Faith, growth and Life
It's been a while since I've done a 'me' blog...Alot's been going down, life's been taking a new shape and it's been...strange, painful, exhilarating and intriguing. The biggest change has been the re-definition of my faith, a process that's still taking place (so forgive me if this blog seems a little pre-mature or muddled - sometimes you just have to get these things off your chest, ya GET me? Therapy and all that).
FACT: In the past, I've hidden in my work because that way, I can escape living.
To put it simple - my work, my writing, my teaching. The outcome is guaranteed...I know that when I put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, voice to masses, I can control how witty, serious, cumbersome, convulted, simplistic I can be. I create a world in which I'm the queen and every day is laughs and Krispy Kreme donuts, I don't gain weight and my name is occasionally in lights. I'm half-decent at what I do. Yet, such a fantasy prevents me from embracing the reality that the party of life sometimes runs out of booze...Jesus isn't always around to top up the wine, and while he's there instead to help you through the hangover, I sometimes prefer the shiraz...it hurts less...I'm quite sensitive to pain. But then - I wouldn't be LIVING!
FACT: I'm incredibly naive, but I'm getting it.
I blame old people for not being around me enough to explain that growth isn't as gradual as I thought it was....they should have talked me through what a quarter-life or mid-life crisis actually means (I've done quarter-life, weaves, extra make-up and all, but obviously not the the elderly phase...but when it does happen to myself or loved ones, I will play along because it really is all good. God knows. Never again can I secretly cuss a 40-year-old for cutting her hair like Rihanna and pretending her stretch-marks aren't visible through her "skinny" jeans. WORK IT! Because after all...death is just that little bit closer :) Cynical, maybe? Nope. Just real methinks...
FACT: I'm strange and peculiar
...And that's a good thing. The good Lord says that I'm wonderfully and fearfully made, meaning there's just one me and I'm content in not trying to be like other people, which I might have done subconsciously...like, that whole India.Arie thing. I don't REALLY look like her, and yet because I've played up to that neo-soul vibe for years, the tag has just stuck. Yes, sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't - but I really just am me. Matilda, Milly. Matty if you act right :)
FACT: I want to teach the world to sing
Ok...that's actually a cliche...BUT - I want to help the world. People. Rich, poor, sad, lonely. Preferably, I'd like to go Africa or Asia and do films and take pictures and write about people. And spread the love of Jesus. Because that's real. I was reading Matthew yesterday and realised that even though Jesus wanted to mourn the death of his cousin John (the Baptist), he had so much love for people that he forgot about his needs for a moment to heal people- and feed them to boot. (that's all up in Matthew 14:23, onwards), and while I know that kind of compassion comes at a price, I want it. In fact, I need it...mmmm....I do.
I could go on and on and I plan too - there's a part two on the way, but all these revelations have forced me to rest my faith in new things, different things. The great won't always happen....it CAN happen, but it won't always, because the world just isn't build that way. Heaven, yes. Earth, no. I can't explain why, right now, I know of four people of people who've suffered a stroke (two of those people being in my family)....and my old faith couldn't prevent that from happening. I don't know why I can care for people a whole lot, and my old faith wasn't wise enough to accept that they can still hurt me. AND - for the life of me, I'm still trying to work out if there's such a thing as happily ever afters in my generation, or if that just applied to the 1930s...I mean, really?
Thinking alot of thoughts...
It's a good place to be in.
